Diary of Willow Robinson, captive of MarySue
by Cryptic Sarcasm
Summary: Here am I, Willow Robinson, in the middle of well, Middle Earth. With a MarySue..When fate gives you lemons, squish the lemon juice back in its face. Rated for language. Warning. OOC and OC.
1. The first of torture

_Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, and I never will. It's a sad world we live in isn't it?_

A/N: Flames will be looked at, sighed at, stared at and something will be done about it. I promise. is supposed to be in 'diary' form… but I spaced it out a bit, so it's easier for you to read… aw, just for you. Just to let you know... I apologize for any spelling mistakes and such.

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_Day 1 in Middle Earth_

Dear Diary,

You know how some things that happen seem as you though imagine them?

Picture this. Me. Willow Robinson aged 19, somehow travlelling into Middle Earth, becoming an _elf_ of all things, then meeting… her.

The freaking Mary-Sue.

When we woke up in Rivendell, as soon as she saw me, she was all 'I'm hot, you're not'.

Geez. You would think if you fell into a strange world, that you would stick to something or someone that looked familiar.

Yea right. So much for 'sticking to what you know', but nope not ONCE did she EVER be nice to me or at least TRY to be civil. At least she didn't really talk to me that much really.

Apart from giving me death-glares any time I spoke or was around her, it wasn't that bad.

Her 'death-glares' couldn't harm a baby mouse. So we got to have lessons with elves! It was so awesome! They could shoot off a mile away!

I can do archery really well now! I'm not too bad with knives either. But with the sword… I may as well just give an orc my sword and smile sweetly.

The funny thing is, that when I'm around the Mary-Sue, or just in the room with her, I seem to have this 'affect' so her 'charm'(what charm?) or 'powers'(powers of seduction) or whatever seem to be erm... 'nullified' with be in her 'presence'…

It's weird, because I walked in on her and some elf making out, and as soon as I entered the room, he acted as though he had a spell taken off him, and looked at her in disgust.

It was quite entertaining actually, watching him walk off like that. But the sad thing was that she seems to REALLY hate me now.

Who cares, I guess. She was off making out with at least one guy a day. I'm surprised that there were enough people here in Rivendell to keep her lust satisfied.

When I'm just watching her from the balcony in my room, she seems to be the most beautiful thing around the place, and everybody seems to be not as wonderful around her, especially since they all look at her in wonder, but when I'm there, she looks different.

She looks more _inhumane. _She's not really human though is she?

She has these big blue eyes and pouty red lips. Her hair is blonde (she's really got the trademarks of a blonde-no offence to blondes) and her boobs are as big as her head. I swear.

She's so skinny though. She looks almost anorexic. It looks unhealthy.

Compared to me, just your average girl with plain brown hair, green eyes, and well you get the picture.

I wasn't really special at home, and I'm not really that special now. I was just a stupid kid from the neighbourhood then, just a girl who's got lots of courage, little brain now.

Oh, and another thing. I really hate it how she prances about like she knows everything.

When we were learning 'useful skills' that Elrond said would help us in the future, she was forever shoving me and showing off.

It was sickening how she kept batting her eyes at Aragorn.

Luckily, he ignored it. I saw Arwen just outside the door. She was giving Mary-Sue the evils.

If looks could kill, Mary-Sue would be long dead. Oh well, one can wish.

Gandalf gave me this notebook. Not quite so sure why though. You know, I've never kept a diary before. Not for the long 19 years of my life.

I found a couple of pens in my pocket. As my mom said, 'You'll never know when you need a pen.'

Apparently, in 'elf years' I look about 3000 years old! That means I would've lost 2981 years of my life!

Wow. I'm amazed at how depressing that makes you feel.

Okay, depressed moment over. Pippin and Merry just tackled Boromir.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that I'm part of the fellowship. Sort of.

Boromir didn't want us (Mary-Sue and I) to come being the male chauvinist he is. But thankfully, majority rules, the others didn't object to us coming.

Although, Elrond, Gandalf and Aragorn let us come on the condition that we didn't wring each other's neck.

I guess it didn't help that we were glaring daggers at each other.

The conversation went a bit like this:

Mary-Sue: im lyk, soooooooooooooo cumin wif u! itz lyk, bcuz im lyk, gona sav u all, cuz yall dy w/ut moi! _(You can practically __hear the grammar and spelling mistakes!)_

Me: I'm coming too. You're not leaving without me!

Mary-Sue: lyk, wo askd U?_(My ears!)_

Me: There is no way I'm travelling with that bitch.

(A few elves gave me the 'look'… you know, that one where they think that you're a girl, so you can't use cuss words)

Mary-Sue: im n0t a bicth U r. im lyk, hot, and lyk, ur not, so lyk, bak of! SLUT! (_I'm sorry, WHAT did she say? I think I'm going deaf from all the screeching sounds.)_

Me:Who are you kidding?You slept with almost every freaking person in Rivendell!

(Insert an Elrond with a raised eyebrow here. His eyebrow was so high, it had almost disappeared.)

Mary-Sue: (sniffs) apart frm hEnDaLaCoN. i _almst_ had him untl _u_ hd2 cumn wlk in on uS, vRy roodlee, mite i ad. n thers lyk, no waay id slep wif a ddwaarf or ne old guyy.

(His eyebrow disappeared)

Then Elrond decided that he'd had enough of us having a cat-fight. Then Aragorn just _had_ to let the Mary-Sue in the team.

Eurgh. She's flirting with Legolas right now.

Her giggling's starting to get on my nerves. It sounds like an idiotic preppy school-girl(no offence to preps). No wait. She IS an idiotic preppy school-girl.

It doesn't seem to be having any effect on him. He's just giving her weird looks that she's misinterpreting as looks of seduction.

It's probably because I'm here or something. Hehe. Maybe it's not such a bad thing being around her. No wait. It's a terrible, horrible, vile, repulsive,detestable, obscene, repugnant, nauseating, loathsome,distasteful, atrocious, frightful, horrifying, horrible, beastly, uhumane, alienated, wrong, stupid, idiotic, ghastly, grim, grisly, gruesome thing.

If there is a God. Just kill me now.

Although, knowing all the wars that are going to happen, I'll probably die.

Nah. The Mary-Sue will kill me first.

Okay then. I'll just wait...

Hang on, what's that? Oh SHIT.I just remembered, the Crebain from Dunland's going to'strike' soon... I'll go tell Legolas to look to theEast with his elf-eyes.Man, is Mary-Sue going to be pissed off with me now.

Bye!

…I'll just pretend I didn't say '_bye_' to a notebook.

Sooooo… How was that for the first chapter? I know it's kind of crappy at the moment, but it'll get better. It's just at the stage of 'improving'. Please review! I want to know how good or bad this was, to decide whether I'll delete it or not! I'll give… VIRTUAL ICE-CREAM to anyone who reviews! R&R peoples!

_She who just wrote a chapter of fanfiction for once in her life._


	2. A certain song

**Disclaimer: A Mary-Sue and a … non-Mary-Sue have landed in Middle Earth. YEA RIGHT. I don't own Lord of the Rings. Or else I'd be rolling in my grave… RIP J.R.R Tolkien. You rock. **

**_I'm so happy! I got lots of reviews! Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers! I love you all! Oh yes, I before I forget… gives virtual ice-cream to all reviewers!... I have changed this chapter, because I didn't like it…_**

Sometime later… 

Dear Diary,

The wraiths screamed overhead as I _just_ managed to dive under a rock. Their sound pierced your ears like claws on a blackboard. I could see Frodo's eyes rolling. The poison was taking its toll on him. The Witch King's poison searing through his blood.

When the Ringwraiths went over, the first sound you hear is,"OMG!211!1! mI hars al msd up!111!12!"

That, translated into ENGLISH is "Oh my god! My hair's all messed up!" I think. But one can never be certain when it comes to Mary-Sues.

After some discussion, we went up a mountain.

It was an ongoing battle between life or death on the mountain. There was a raging blizzard. We fought our way across the Misty Mountains.

But then the horrible thing happened.

…

Mary-Sue started SINGING.

The not-quite of the Lord of the Rings theme song echoed throughout the mountain. Although, it couldn't really be called the theme song. If you heard it, you wouldn't know the difference between her voice and a bulldozer.

She sang it all the way up the mountain, And then all the way back down again. She sang it over and _over._ (I twitch here)

Boromir, the good fellow told her to shut the hell up and go and die some place where no-one would have to suffer listening to her ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Well, not in so many words. All right, not like that at all. He said it in a _much_ more polite way.

That ninny.

"Lady, although my ears could never cease listening to your song, I am afraid that the snow on these mountains is liable to break away from the mountain at any time, so in fear of your death in an avalanche, I bid you to stop the sweet, sweet melody you sing."

Except then he told ME to shut up. I didn't say anything! Well… Apart from

"Shut up! Your voice ain't no _song_, it's a SQUAWK!"

She glared at me and squawked " Weel im srz 4 u nt havng apreeeseeashon 4 gud mewsikk."

Legolas looked at me painfully and said, "Please. Just… Be quiet."

I don't think the elvin prince ever had to suffer such a… bitch. That's the only word I can describe her as. A bitch. Actually, I stand corrected. SLUT would _also_ be a good describing word. But that's not very nice.

Then again, Mary-Sue isn't a very nice person.

I pity Aragorn the most. He was right next to her. She was giggling and batting her eyes at him non-stop. Boy, I would hate to be him sometimes…

And then the Mary-Sue started throwing snowballs at Legolas.

The first snowball didn't even reach him and simply landed a metre away from his left foot. The second snowball however, went right last Legolas and hit Frodo on the head.

Then Frodo slipped, and Aragorn caught him. Boromir picked it up and caressed it, as though he needed it to live.

He looked sort of bewitched when he held the ring.

'It is a strange thing that so many should suffer for such a little thing…" Were his exact words.

Aragorn gave Boromir a warning. I noticed he had his hand on his sword handle.

He looked dangerous. Of course, they _are_ dangerous, but… some of them don't actually _look_ that dangerous.

Like Legolas. He looks like a girl.

But he looked stoned when he said, "There is a foul voice in the air." He looked at Gimli, who incidentally gave donation to the environment.

And I put in my two cents by saying "_Voice_ Gimli. Not smell."

Gandalf began chanting in some strange language that I didn't understand. It sounded interesting though. I wondered what it meant…

And then Saruman brought down the mountain.

Such a charming fellow he is.

Being the intelligent person that I am, I looked up at the lightning. And got a face full of snow. And let me tell you, it didn't feel particularly nice.

I found a really good thing about being an elf today – you can step on top of snow without sinking.

Mary-Sue kept on giving me jealous looks. It was rather amusing, because she kept slipping in the snow. And landing in a face plant. Maybe it had to do with the six inch high heels she was wearing.

On the way back _down_ the mountain, which they don't actually show in the movie, Gandalf gave us some cordial-like liquid. It really helped with the energy problems. I felt sort of… **renewed**.

Apparently, Elrond gave it to him. It tasted like… peaches. It was the colour of Amber and was thick like melted chocolate.

Mary-Sue didn't seem too delighted about sharing the bottle around with everyone.

She was afraid of getting 'germs', so she said. But nevertheless, she drank some anyway.

Frodo looked ready to die. He almost fainted about twice, but when he drank it, he seemed better.

I swear that I saw Sam give some of his share to Frodo. I don't know what they'd do without each other.

Frodo's going to need Sam more than ever on this journey to survive.

I wonder who I'll go with… I think I should go with Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli. Doubtless that the Mary-Sue will go with them too. Perhaps I will end up with Merry and Pippin. But only fate will decide. Or the stupid author who put me in this situation in the first place.

So, at the moment the fellowship is outside the Gates of Moria. Gandalf doesn't seem to enthusiastic about it, I'll tell you that. In fact, he's just sitting on a rock, muttering to himself.

Oh dear… Pippin and Merry are throwing stones into the water. Heh. Aragorn just told them off. … Hey look! Frodo's figured it out.

… Great. Now SHE'S chucking stones into the water. Bloody hell! Oh shit.

**He, he… Willow's getting really pissed at the Mary-Sue now. Lol! … It feels random talking to myself. Even though I know that you'll read this. The next one's going to be sadder because Gandalf… yea.. Does that make sense?... **

_**Bye!**_

BlackRosePoison 

(BlackRoseOrchid no longer wants to write this.)


	3. That's the way things work

Disclaimer: I don't own J.R.R Tokien. They all belong to the characters. Hang on…

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Dear Diary,

If I get out of this alive, I won't be thanking God.

The stones that Mary-Sue threw into the water weren't pebbles. They were ENORMOUS ROCKS.

Those _enormous rocks_ went _splosh!_ Into the water, and awoke the Watcher. Gee, _thanks_ Mary-Sue. Just what we needed.

There's a good side and a bad side to the fight. The bad news is that now, we're trapped inside the Caves of Moria. The good news is that Mary-Sue almost got eaten!

When a considerably large rock got thrown into the middle of the water, a fat, wet tentacle shot out of the water and took a strong grip on whatever came into grip first.

That object, just happened to be me.

Its grip constricted my waist tightly. It was hard to breath. Legolas started shooting the arm of the monster.

I yelled "DON'T SHOOT ME!"

He shouted back "I won't!" But it wasn't very reassuring that an arrow zapped past my right arm.

Legolas is an awesome archer. He managed to make the Watcher let go of me. In thanks, I landed on top of him.

Not in the fairy tale way though. It was more of an '_oof _' and ' _aah!_' situation. I won't go into it. Let's just say that Legolas got a bit wet.

After letting go of me, it grabbed the Mary-Sue.

What a sight it was; a flying pink, screaming thing being waved around in the air by a tentacle. And her scream sounded strange, as she was moving around a lot.

_AHHHHHHhhhhhHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhh!_

_Something_ like that anyways.

Boromir went to chop off the tentacle holding the Mary-Sue with his big sword, but didn't quite manage to get there. In fact, he got swept off the water. He got free by hacking at the slug with his large pointy object.

There were also flying hobbits. One of them came close to being eaten. I wouldn't want to be near those teeth.

Mr Sashimi got several legs chopped off that night. And we escaped with no-one really harmed (although Mary-Sue did whine A LOT afterwards about her lost high-heel. She was ignored).

And then we came across the Chamber of Records. It was much more serene and eerie than I thought it would be.

And then Gandalf read the last chapter of the dwarven chronicles. They are sad words that I recorded here:

'_We drove out orcs from the great gate and guard – _I think; the next word is lured and burned: probably _room_ – _we slew many in the bright - _I think – _sun in the dale. Flói was killed by an arrow. He slew the great._ Then there is a blur followed by _Flói under grass near Mirror mere. _The next line or two I cannot read. Then comes _We have taken the twentyfirst hall of North end to dwell in. There is _I cannot read what. A _shaft_ is mentioned. Then _Balin has set up his seat in the Chamber of Mazarbul.'_

Gimli recognised the last word as 'records', and guessed that it was were we stood.

But then came the sadness. It was written in Elvish script, according to Gandalf.

' The first clear word is _sorrow_, but the rest of the line is lost, unless it ends in _ester_. Yes, it must be _yester_ followed by _day being the tenth of novembre Balin lord of Moria fell in Dimrill Dale. He went alone to look in Mirror mere. An orc shot him from behind a stone. We slew the orc, but many more… up from east up the Silverload…_ _we have barred the gates, … can hold them long if … horrible…suffer.'_

The ending of the dwarves of Moria was cruel and grim.

'_We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and second hall. Frár and Lóni and Náli fell there… went 5 days ago… the pool is up to the wall at Westgate. The Watcher in the Water took Óin. We cannot get out. The end comes… drums, drums in the deep… they are coming.'_

Gandalf gave the Book of Mazarbul to Gimli, to give to Dáin.

And then the drums sounded.

_Doom, doom_

They sounded just like the fate of those who lived in these mines.

The morning was then passing.

'They are coming!' Legolas cried.

'We cannot get out,' were the words spoken by Gimli, whose voice was uneven and face was haunted.

Gandalf instructed us to keep the East door ajar to escape if we got the chance, but we barred and wedged shut the other gates.

"Who comes hither to disturb the rest of Balin Lord of Moria?' he demanded.

There was mirth-less laughter. Orcs beat against the door.

Legolas and I shot arrows through the cracks in the door. Although, I must say that I hit more door that orc.

And then Gandalf tells us that there is a cave-troll.

Oh great. Just another thing to run away from. I looked for good hiding places, but there weren't any at all. I looked around at the Mary-Sue. She had closed her eyes. Later, I found out that she had used the method 'if you can't see them, they can't see you.'

Score one braniac.

Then Aragorn and Boromir tried to keep the door shut, sticking their knives and swords through cracks occasionally.

Boromir stuck a knife through, and it came back broken.

And then the cave-troll entered. It looked like an over-grown bogey with eyes, arms, legs and a big stick.

It swept aside orcs and sniffed, hunting for something.

Pippin and Merry; the brave buggers, jumped on top of the big bogey and hit it repeatedly over the head with stones. There were quite a few of them around. Stones I mean, not Merrys ad Pippins.

Frodo had one of his 'little moments'. He suddenly cried out "The Shire!" springing beside Boromir, and stabbing the bogey in its 'foot'.

Aragorn was impressed. So was I. I'd never have the guts to do something like that.

You don't believe me? Well, I'll have to prove it to you by saying what kind of fighting _I_ did.

Well, in fact, it wasn't really fighting. It was more of a routine. Stab, dodge, run away! Stab dodge, run away! Sometimes, you just had to add the extra dodge or stab.

And then came our chance to run away.

Frodo had been hit by the cave-troll, and looked in great pain. Aragorn picked Frodo up, where he lay and we ran out of the hall.

Gimli, however, had to be dragged away by Legolas. He stayed in front of the grave with his head bowed, despite of the danger.

"I can walk. Put me down!" I heard Frodo exclaim. Aragorn almost dropped him. "I thought you were dead!" I thought you were supposed to look on the bright side of life. Well, I suppose he looked dead.

"Go! Flee!" Gandalf commanded, slowing down.

"We cannot leave you to hold the door alone!" Aragorn protested.

"Do as I say!" Gandalf told him. "Swords are no more use here. Go!"

Nobody wanted to face an angry Gandalf, so we all ran for our lives. Away from Gandalf, that is.

"Look ahead!" called Gandalf from behind. "The Bridge is near. It is dangerous and narrow."

And then the monster appeared.

"Ai! Ai!" Legolas cried. "A Balrog! A Balrog has come!"

Now I'm _certain_ that he didn't say that in the movie.

Gimli looked at it with eyes as big as golf balls. Dinner plates would be an exaggeration.

The Balrog's entire being was aflame and was as big as a mountain. It carried a mighty whip and licked the walls hungrily.

"Over the bridge!" cried Gandalf. "Fly! This is a foe beyond any of you. I must hold the narrow way. Fly!"

Boromir and Aragorn, being the brave fellows they are, didn't listen to him. But then took on look at the Balrog and scampered.

We ran down a narrow staircase that had no rail, nor kerb, almost falling off. I'm amazed that Mary-Sue stayed with us. I guess I'll never understand her. Not that I would want to though.

Beneath us, was a abyss of smoke. What a lovely word. Abyss.

And then the bridge broke.

We had to jump across to the other side. Aragorn jumped first with Frodo, then Sam. Then Pippin and Merry jumped across. Boromir and Mary-Sue followed. I jumped just afterwards.

Legolas began to pick up Gimli, who stopped him with the famous words "Nobody tosses a dwarf." Legolas simply shrugged and jumped across. Gimli jumped, and slipped. Legolas caught him by the beard.

I beat Gimli just loved that.

I'm not sure how Gandalf came across. I just know that he crossed.

"You cannot pass." Gandalf stood strong but weary in the middle of the span. He was leaning on his staff in his left hand and Glamdring in his right. It was white and cold.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udún. Go back to the shadow," he spat. "You cannot pass."

And then came the Balrog's sword. I wonder where it got a sword that big. I swear, it was _enormous_.

"You cannot pass!" Gandalf repeated.

Gandalf banged his stick on the stone in front of him, crying aloud. The bridge cracked. He managed to scrabble a hold onto the ledge on which he stood before. There was a _snap_! As the Balrog's whip winded itself around his leg.

"Run you fools," he choked, and fell into the chasm.

"GANDALF!" Frodo shouted desperately. If Aragorn hadn't held him, Frodo would've jumped down there too.

So would I, if Legolas hadn't grabbed my foot at the last minute, making my chin whack against the ground.

Our escape from Moria was an unwanted one, as we lost our friend in there.

Now I sit outside on a field of rocks. Weeping for my friend.

All signs off sarcasm and cynicism gone.

And the drum beats fade. The drum beats fade.

The evil drums beats of the deep.

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This is where my character develops. It's interesting the way things work isn't it?


	4. View from above

**Disclaimer: I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it I don't own it… enough?**

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_Sometime..._

Dear Diary

Sometimes, I wonder how long it would take for my hair to grow as long as an elf's. I mean, my hair cut short down to my shoulders, and there's an elf's hair that goes down to the ground!

But when I saw the Galadriel's hair… I mean, it's like golden hay! Although, I'm fairly sure hay is golden. But gold isn't hay. Hang on a minute…

Well… what has happened recently… At the moment, I'm up a tree. Can you guess? … Yes, I am going insane. I just asked a book a question.

The Mary-Sue has breached the border. But then again, we all did I suppose. Wait, let me explain.

We walked through an enormous forest with towering trees. In a swift moment or two, we found ourselves circled by elves with arrows pointing at us.

So much for a greeting party.

"The dwarf breathes so loud, we could've shot him in the dark." Was the lovely sentence the leader elf, which I later found to be called Haldir, said menacingly. Charming fellow.

"Well, good thing it's not dark then!" I exclaimed cheerfully. Yes, more funny looks. No laughter. Oh well, you can imagine… Not the best time for jokes, I'd imagine.

After some discussion and grunting, we moved deeper into the forest. Gimli had to be blindfolded, but he refused to be without Legolas or I being blindfolded. I graciously agreed to be blindfolded.

And after that, let's just say that it's a good thing that I had my hands on the shoulders of the elf in front of me. I tripped up on the stupid roots a couple dozen times. In fact, I ended up being carried on one of the elves back.

When we reached the top, we were allowed to take off our blindfold. Everything looked rather blue. Except Galadriel, in all her beauty. Her hair cascaded down her back like a golden waterfall. Although, waterfalls can't be golden can they? Never mind.

Mary-Sue looked up at her with disgust and muttered something about 'split ends'.

Wow. She must have super-vision. Even with my elven eyes, I can't see her split ends. Elvish hair is so pretty. It never gets greasy, so it's like magic hair. Although, I suppose it is magic.

Celeborn looked like a big softy, but believe me, he's not. Which brings me to explain how I got up this tree.

Let's just say that I found some funny flower in the woods while I was taking a walk after meeting Galadriel. I was kind of bored, so I ground it up. I noticed that it left a pink mark where I had ground it up. There, I came up with my diabolical plan.

I confess, I didn't think of the elves going mental as a reaction. They're usually all so calm and composed.

I put the ground up flowers in a certain liquid which they used as a shampoo, called 'flogia'. It had a lovely scent of flowers and rotten leaves.

Unfortunately, the next people to use the shampoo were very powerful and intimidating people, when angry.

Legolas, Celeborn and Haldir.

As a team, they chased me around the forest, their glowing bright pink hair streaming behind them. The ladies would love that.

I, being the ever-so-intelligent person I am, climbed a tree. I just forgot one little thing. I'm afraid of heights. Well, not exactly heights. I'm more afraid of the ground beneath me.

Legolas knew this, and grinned like a maniac from the ground. "Leave her up there. She's not going to cause any trouble up a tree. She's afraid of heights," was what he said.

Gee, thanks Legolas, you're a great help.

Haldir and Celeborn shared the grin and they left me up here. I am cold, hungry and stuck up a tree. Not the best of situations to be in. I hope Aragorn and Gimli come soon.

But there's a great view from up here actually. I can see Frodo speaking to Galadriel. I wonder what he's doing up so late. And what on earth is he doing with the ring? It looks like he's giving it to Galadriel.

Whoa.

Do you remember, before, how I said her hair was like a golden waterfall? It's gone…_ poof_. She has an afro. _The Lady of the Wood has an afro_. A rather disturbing thought, if I must say so myself.

We're going to leave the Lótherien soon, what a pity. I was starting to enjoy sitting up here in the tree.

Oh, what a lovely song I'm hearing. It's haunting… a lament for Gandalf, as Legolas told Gimli just below me. I wonder if they're going to let me down…

This is Willow Robinson, signing off for now…

**A/N: Well… Willow's certainly enjoying herself up a tree… I love her character… Mainly because I don't agree with her sometimes and she's rather random, although slightly intellectual when she doesn't need to be. **


	5. A personality change

**Disclaimer: I don't own it! If I did, then maaan. I'd be rolling in my grave.**

_A/N: I don't make any excuses for my tardiness. I'm just lazy._

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_**Dear Diary**_

Today was certainly interesting.

First of all, we had to leave Lótherien. The Lady Galadriel gave me a light sword. It can pierce through the toughest armour, but be light as a feather. Handy stuff.

As she handed me the sword, she looked me in the eye and gave me supposedly 'wise words of wisdom'.

_Do not bite your nails_.

Wow. That's just… incredible. I never would've thought of that (Yes diary, the ink is dripping with sarcasm).

Frodo received a bottle of water. Well, a star really. Sort of?

The Sue was given clothes for her journey. Needless to say that she threw them into the river, proclaiming they were 'unfashionable and smelly'. Really, if anybody's smelly, it's her! Her bottles of smelly stuff she packed into her sack.

But believe me, it was the most helpful thing anybody ever said to me.

When we reached the shore, the fellowship split for a while, to find essentials. I, being a woman… well girl, was given the task of looking after the gear.

The Sue just sort of sat on the other side of the camp, admiring her nails that she had painted in the boat, miraculously not spilling any on herself.

At one point, she glanced up from her nails to jeer at me.

'You want to shag Aragorn. I can see it in your eyes. But back off bitch. He's mine! They all are!'

Well… I have to say; shagging Aragorn is certainly not on my list of priorities, nor any of the others.

Then we heard Boromir's horn blaring throughout the forest.

I grabbed my sword and arrows and set off towards the sound, however, Mary-Sue grabbed my hair and yanked it downwards, causing me to sprawl on the ground.

'Son of a-'

I was cut off by the horn of Gondor echoing once more.

Boromir was in grave danger, so I jumped up, socked Mary Sue in the face and ran off.

Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas were already at the scene, so were Pippin and Merry. I didn't see Frodo or Sam anywhere though. They were probably somewhere else.

Boromir was in the centre of a clearance, fighting off Orcs. Although, I must say, they were rather big for Orcs. I saw one of them aim a crossbow at Boromir.

I flung myself in his direction; the arrow missed him and embedded itself in a tree behind us. The Orc took aim once more and fired.

This time, it hit my sword, which simply dented the arrow.

As it fell to the ground, Aragorn chopped off the Orc's head. Blood splattered on the trees and the ground, tainting the forest floor.

From behind a tree, Mary-Sue drew an arrow. It was an unusual sort of arrow. It was pink with little white hearts on it.

The Sue had a cruel smirk plastered across her face and menace in her eyes (both blackened and normal) as she released the arrow, which was aimed at me.

Boromir, the poor guy, shielded me with his body, taking the arrow in his back, right through the heart.

Sue fled into the woods in her pink stilettos, leaving us to tend to Boromir, who seemed to be dying from the grievous infliction.

As this was happening, Pippin and Merry were being dragged away by other Orcs, who were retreating to whence they came.

Aragorn lay him on the base of a tree, heavily panting; Boromir gave us his final words.

'Frodo,' he croaked, 'I have betrayed you. I have failed.'

He didn't finish what he was going to say. The words died on his lips.

Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and I bowed our heads in respect.

About three seconds passed, then suddenly, Boromir's eyes sprang open, his lips suddenly pouted and back arched in a very girlie fashion.

His eyes scanned his surroundings, unsure of what to find, and then he found what he was looking for.

'Ooh hello gorgeous,' he giggled and swatted Aragorn on the arm.

'Lord Boromir?' Aragorn looked at Boromir questioningly.

'Enough formalities babe. Just kiss me.' I concluded that Boromir had gone insane as he puckered his lips and thrust out his chest, waiting for a smooch.

Gimli and Legolas shared a mixed look of repulsion and amusement.

I promptly whacked Boromir on the head with a fist, knocking him unconscious.

'What happened to Boromir?' Legolas asked in a rather bemused fashion.

'It was the arrow… where is it?' I responded, searching on Boromir's back from the fluorescent stick.

It was nowhere to be found.

'Magic,' Gimli whispered.

I nodded. 'Evil magic.'

After Boromir awoke, we persuaded him to get onto a horse and ride to Gondor, which is what he previously intended to do, but he seemed much more interested in flirting with Legolas and Aragorn, however, did not pay much attention to Gimli and I.

We all agreed that Boromir was a danger to the company and to himself in the 'state' he was in.

All doubts soon vanished as a horrible screech passed through a red 'o' that was his mouth.

When we asked what the problem was, he told us that his clothes were 'so out of fashion' and he couldn't possibly wear them, as they weren't designer or pink.

He settled down when he was assured that they were all the range and the latest in fashion.

The son of the steward left with a kiss on the wind and a lustful batter of the eyes at the elvin prince and the King of Gondor.

What a day. Now the other three plan to run across the land, searching for the hobbits. Maybe we'll find them. I hope we do.

This is the most bizarre day in Middle Earth so far. Things can't possibly get any weirder.

I think.

* * *

From

_Cryptic Sarcasm_


	6. evil white horses n goffs

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, thank goodness. As I said, I'd be rolling in my grave.**

Now! My pet Balrog has something to say!

B: RAAGGHH!!!

CS: Good Balroggy

B: RAAGGHH!!!!!!!!

CS: Yes, ok! Enough! almost gets hand bitten off BAD BALROGGY! BAD! OUTSIDE BALROGGY! OUTSIDE!

* * *

**_Dear Diary,_**

I have always hated running. And for the past three days, what have I been doing?

Running.

Running.

Running.

Running.

Oh, and did I forget to mention? More running! Walking is fine by me, but running for three days is simply torture. Oh, and riding and walking. But mostly running.

And when we sort of came to a halt after we had crossed something Aragorn muttered to be the 'Borderline', we had large pointy things aimed at us. Again. You know, Aragorn is doing a fantastic job of making sure we don't get killed.

We can across a horde of men on horses with long hair as most of the people in Middle Earth. At first they surrounded us and pointed their spears at us and then one, who introduced himself as Éomer, asked us what we were doing in the lands we were in, which seemed to be called Rohan. Walking. What does it look like? But of course, I didn't say that.

Being sarcastic to men with pointy things aimed at you isn't exactly the best of things to be I reasoned with myself at the time.

While I was reasoning with myself, Gimli insulted Éomer somehow, and then Éomer threatened to chop Gimli's head off, then Legolas pointed an arrow at Éomer. I wasn't really listening at the time, but Aragorn told me that was what happened later, well something along those lines, except in much more excessive, floral language.

For some reason, we were given horses. Aragorn was given a dapple horse, while Legolas and Gimli shared a brown horse with a black mane, whereas I got a white mare.

For some unknown reason (I suppose the fact that I was slightly scared of horses and mine was particularly rebellious. A fine elf I make, I really connect with nature, ya know? It was bolting in any which way direction, bucking occasionally, so guess what happened to me?

I fell off. Sort of.

I grabbed onto the horse's mane and yanked it, sliding off onto the dirt. I still bear bruises from the experience.

Believe me. It hurts. Evil horsie. The evil horsie was set free. I ended up riding on the back of Aragorn's horse.

While this was happening, Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn however, looked as though they were having the time of their lives watching me throughout the entire ordeal, not lending a helping hand at all. Needless to say, I found the whole experience traumatizing and didn't speak until we stopped, whereas they found it thoroughly entertaining and wouldn't shut up about it until we stopped

At first, stopping didn't seem to be the ideal thing, looking at what lay ahead. There was anguish.

Black, charred carcasses had been piled next to a forest. A few heads on spears surrounded the pile, like marshmallows to a camp fire, but not as nice to eat, I'd imagine. But then again, I don't like marshmallows either. They'd always been a little… floury and… sticky for my taste.

The air was tainted with death, despair and struggle.

Aragorn fell to his knees in despair. Legolas and Gimli were simply standing, staring at the carcasses, trying to find a familiar face. But not face was found.

All seemed lost until Aragorn suddenly ceased his leaking (interpret at will) and stared with wide eyes at the ground. At first, I thought he had gone insane like Boromir, but then he told us he had discovered hobbit tracks.

Hobbit tracks

Hobbit tracks

Hobbit tracks

Hobbit tracks

Hobbit tracks

Hehe. It sounds funny.

So off into the forest Fanghorn we go, bravely hiding behind Legolas I was. Then I heard a whispering… It was in sort of a strange language. Legolas said that the trees were talking to each other, saying that a white wizard is here, in the Fanghorn. I was dead scared by then and had to be sort of shoved by Gimli forward when I wouldn't budge.

Gimli spotted something on a bush, and tasted it, which isn't the smartest thing, as it could've been poisonous. "Orc blood," he proclaimed. We all made faces. Orc blood tastes disgusting, believe me. When you fight Orcs, and you slash at them, some of their blood flies into the air and it unfortunately tends to hit you, splattering on your person. It's usually worse if you've got your mouth open as I discovered. It tastes like a concoction made with dirty socks, saturated coffee, your brother's rugby sneakers and anything and everything else that generally tastes disgusting. It's worse for elves apparently, because our senses are so much more sharp then other organisms. Organisms… That's a word I haven't heard since I came into Middle Earth…

I never said how I came into Middle Earth, did I?

Well, better late then never I suppose. I was just in science class with my friends, passing notes etcetera. And we were conducting a science experiment.

Of course, not being able to choose our groups, as teachers often like to have that power themselves and feel important, I was put with two of the ditz headed girls in my class. They were forever going on about their make up and whatever their fluff of a brain were thinking about (which probably wasn't much).

It wasn't bad really.

They just ignored us, but that day, one of them put a certain chemical into our mixture.

Then I felt myself falling and then impact on a certain leafy ground.

That is the wonderful story of the hero, Willow Robinson who is homesick.

I just realized something. Mary-Sue looks quite similar to one of those girls… Concidence? Probably not. All air heads look like that.

And then we came upon the white wizard. I, still hiding behind Legolas, was elbows in the stomach when he drew an arrow and fired at the wizard, who promptly vaporized it, made Aragorn's sword turn red hot and Gimli's axe break.

When the light cleared, I saw a familiar face. "Gandalf?" Aragorn asked, amazed.

A strange emotion passed over the old wizened face, as though a distant memory had just been recollected.

"Gandalf the Grey," he said thoughtfully. "Yes, that was my name once. But now, I am Gandalf the White."

Then he told us the story of how he fell into the darkness with the Balrog, and fought upon a cliff, to meet his and the Balrog's doom. He was sent back to finish the job that Saruman should have done. And now, there he was, in front of us.

He had returned from the dead. It was a frightening thought. I felt inclined to poke the wizard, just to check he wasn't a ghost, so I did.

"Might I enquire to what is it you are doing?" was the question asked to me as I climbed up towards the wizard.

"Checking," I responded.

Then I poked him in the arm.

Yet again, the looks. The looks! People in Middle Earth are very good at giving 'looks'. And then I ask the question 'What?' for the millionth time, and for the millionth time, they just look away. Not very sociable sometimes these people. Things. Its. Uhhh...

When that episode was over, we all treaded out of Fanghorn.

Gandalf scanned the area, then whistled a long piercing whistle. It held a sort of strange monotonic melody that was neither pleasant nor evil to my ears, but I daresay, very loud.

Then there was a shock. A girl with streaming black hair and perfect green eyes and pale white skin came riding on another scary horse. A white horse. I quickly hid behind Aragorn. I don't like horses. Especially white ones.

When she came into better view, she looked almost the same as the Mary-Sue, but wore black instead of pink. Her black top flashed to the world quite a bit of cleavage and bared the words 'Da BEOTCH'. She introduced herself as 'Martha Fokker'.

Ha-ha. Funny name. But I tell you what, she definitely is one Mother Fucker. She said to me, "lok, beotch, I dnt car wateva u haf 2 sae, cuz I men, lyk, im goffik."

So now, there's M-S and M-F. The dynamic duo.

My first thought when I saw her coming was 'Oh god, here comes another one.'

And believe me when I say, she's just as bad.

Honestly, I swore we had gotten rid of the other one for good, but then comes another one.

I suggested to simply locking this one up in a cage and leaving her there to Gimli. He didn't seem so keen on doing so, telling me off, saying that it's 'Not a very nice thing to do.' And said something else that implied I was a cruel little girl. I am not a little girl! I am almost a grown up! I suppose. Not in maturity though. Definitely not in maturity.

I wonder how old Gimli is… No… wait… I wonder how old GANDALF is. I suppose the answer would be… old.

But then again, someone can be young and be intelligent and mature. Like Merlin was. Or maybe I just read too much.

So we set off to Rohan. I rode once more with Aragorn, giving the white horse looks, just in case it tried something. I swear that white horses have it in for me.

When we arrived at the place, I felt tired and sore all over, with a particularly sore bum. Aragorn climbed off the horse at one stage, and ignoring my begging to get on the horse, he picked up a flag and led the horse through the gates.

Next we climbed a lot of stone stairs. I felt slightly delirious. There's only so much one's body can handle, especially after giving up sports when I turned 15.

So we came to the top of the stairs. The lovely fellow at the top took our weapons away. It was a bit of relief, considering the 'light' sword was starting to get a bit heavy, but surprisingly, the clothing I wore felt heavier.

To my delight, Martha Fokker had a tricky time getting up the stairs due to her heavy Ug boots. Then when she refused to take them off at the top, as the guard saw them as a potential weapon, so she had to stand outside.

The castle of Rohan consisted of one large hall, a side hall and several other smaller rooms.

The walls were decorated with candles and furs. At the opposite end of the hall, there was a pale aging man covered in furs.

He was supposedly the King of Rohan. An evil sickly little man stood on his right, whispering in his ear. He seemed shocked to see Gandalf.

"You are not welcome here," the old man croaked.

I'm not quite sure what happened next, but suddenly, after some discussion between Gandalf and the King, whose name is 'Théoden', some guards started attacking us.

I sort of sidled off to the side but was grabbed by a guard.

"Oh no you don't lassie," was what he said.

I promptly ground my heel into his foot and as he hopped on the spot in pain, I showed him my finger and then kicked him in the nuts.

I'm not too good at unarmed combat, so I fell over and sort of stayed there until the fighting was over.

Gandalf performed some spectacular magic on King Théoden who said "Rule of Rohan is MINE." No really? I never would've guessed. You know, I think he has a personality disorder.

But then, his hair slowly turned to gold and the air around him seemed to grow much less dark. Then he turned on Grima, the worm, who had been whispering in his ear.

He called for his sword and kicked the pale man out of the palace and then raised his sword to smite the blighter, but was stopped by Aragorn. Lucky bastard. Théoden let Grima go on the condition he'd never return. I wouldn't want to either, if I were him.

It was all quite entertaining watching this, as Martha Fokker started arguing with Aragorn, wanting him to kill Grima. Also, I never got around to watching the second and third movies, or reading the books… My attention span isn't that long.

So then my attention turned to a blonde maiden whom had been addressed earlier as the sister of Éomer. I think Grima had a thing for her, but it didn't look like he got laid. I don't blame her for not doing it though. He sure needs a shower. Wormtongue smelt funny too. Like rotting squid. Simply delightful.

Today was the first time in ages I had a warm bath or any sort of clean, excepting when I fell into the water when I looked over the edge of the canoe when we were leaving Lótherien. But there was actually _soap_. Well, technically, it's pig fat, but I'm not complaining. I was clean for the first time in days. But it took a while to get into the bath, as Martha got first dibs, considering Éowyn wanted to have a little chat with me and Martha shoved me aside.

I _smell_ clean as well. It's amazing.

Well, time to get ready for dinner. What a feast it will be! I wonder if Aragorn will let me drink beer. I was planning on having a competition with Pippin and Merry... But I suppose Pippin will win. Again. And then Aragorn will get angry at us. Again. Oh well...

Fare thee well diary,

Willow Robinson

* * *

**A/N: Be. Shocked. I wrote a lot! Well… a lot for me anyways. Thanks for reading! And especially to all my lovely reviewers gives virtual chicken**

**Maybe I'll give cheese next time. But only to the reviewers and the people who aren't lactose intolerant. To those people, I'll give something else… Like pasties.**

_Cryptic Sarcasm_


End file.
